Blog
Holiday Ennui
Historically I always looked forward to this time of year because most things in my life slow down and I feel like I can take a short break without something going horribly wrong. Although it gets dark at 4:00 PM, and everything is dead, and the temperature is slowly but inexorably decreasing to the intolerable level at which it will remain for the next several months, this time was always a welcome respite. Though it came at a price.
I’m still looking forward to the restful part but I haven’t come to terms with exactly how much the holiday season has changed for me since the death of my mother three years ago. I’ve spent the last two seasons trying to pretend that Christmas doesn’t exist and this is the first year that I’ve allowed my wife to put decorations up in the apartment and will spend the fateful day with family instead of cowering in a bunker somewhere.
Christmas was the most important time of the year for my mother and fraught with all sorts of hidden meanings and expectations. There was a sense that if everything went off right we could correct some fundamental wrong in the family. If we could be a family at Christmas it would last throughout the year and even move backwards in time and bring us together retroactively.
The problem is that we were a family at Christmas, just not the family she seemed to want. So mythologized had Christmas come for our mother that it was impossible for her to articulate exactly how it should be, what defined the perfect Christmas she so longed for and it was a setup from the beginning, there was no way we mere mortals could ever properly fulfill our roles.
It was a paradox then that when I was in the thick of my usual mid-Fall stress, I would daydream about going home for Christmas knowing that there was a price to pay for the time spent vegging on the couch, home cooked meals and nights out with old friends. But I also knew that even if I never went out, spent all of my time singing carols and baking cookies and driving around looking at Christmas lights, it would still fall short yet again.
These thoughts come to me now when I’m the midst of writing a very intense piece of music and I can’t help but feel sad. This is the time of year when I go home to rest but pay the price for my resting but this year, like the years before, there is no longer that home to go to. And now I’m the one for whom Christmas falls short.
- Written by: Seth Boustead
- On: November 28, 2015
News
-
‘The Silence’ Performed as Part of Art of the Art Song Concert on 11/25
I’ve just made a new arrangement of a song I wrote years ago for soprano, trumpet and string quartet and Read More
-
World Premiere of ‘Semantics’ on October 11
My new piece for electric guitar, violin and cello will be performed live at Symphony Space in Manhattan as part Read More
-
‘Reciprocity Failure’ Film Score Performance
My score for Ben Westlake’s short film Reciprocity Failure will be performed as part of the Thirsty Ears Festival in Read More
Blog Archives
- July 2022
- June 2022
- April 2022
- March 2022
- January 2022
- October 2021
- September 2021
- August 2021
- February 2021
- November 2020
- October 2020
- June 2020
- April 2020
- January 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- September 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- May 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- July 2018
- May 2018
- April 2018
- March 2018
- February 2018
- January 2018
- December 2017
- November 2017
- October 2017
- September 2017
- August 2017
- July 2017
- June 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
- January 2017
- December 2016
- November 2016
- October 2016
- September 2016
- July 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- April 2016
- March 2016
- February 2016
- January 2016
- December 2015
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- December 2014
- November 2014
- October 2014
- September 2014
- August 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- May 2014
- April 2014
- March 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- December 2013
- November 2013
- October 2013
- September 2013
- August 2013
- March 2011
- August 2010
- May 2010
- October 2009
Leave a Reply