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Whiskerless Brooklyn

“A man without a mustache is a man without a soul” – Confucius


I’m writing this from an apartment in the Crown Heights neighborhood of Brooklyn, which at one time was a rough neighborhood but is now so gentrified that there’s a barber shop down the street called the Stachehouse that specializes exclusively in mustaches.

From the window display I see that they are fluent in more than 70 styles of mustache including classics like the Chevron, Fu Manchu, Pencil, Walrus and Handlebar but also more adventurous options like the Dreadnought, Hussite, Blunderbuss and, my personal favorite, the Tiny Dancer.

You can also bring in your own custom mustache designs of course and nothing is too outlandish providing, and they’re careful to make this clear, that you have the facial hair to back it up.  They will under no circumstances help you cheat nature with mustache implants and are insulted that you would even ask.

They do, however, have several efficacious oils and tonics that stimulate the follicles to improve blood supply to the ‘stache region of the face and promote luscious growth. If you don’t mind standing in the invariably long line you can also try one of their popular testosterone shakes which come in three flavors: Olive Oil-Saffron, Burnt Caramel Swirl and Jägermeister Bavarian Kreme-Filled Donut.

At the moment they’re gearing up for the holiday with a special offer on Caveman Christmas Holiday Combo Mustache Oil and Mustache Balm.  Buy now and they’ll throw in the Striking Viking Mustache Comb and Scissor Set for only a hundred dollars, a savings of nearly three percent.  I would kill for the chance to buy this.

Sadly, if you’re one hundred percent facially follically challenged like I am you’re not welcome inside, even to buy the tonics you so desperately need, and so I have had to glean all of this information by standing outside with my head pressed against the window staring forlornly at the mustachioed wonderment within.

Last night something extraordinary happened though.  A man sporting a splendid Empire Lampshade left the store, walked over to me and wordlessly placed a bottle of Uncle Larry’s All Natural Lavender Bee Pollen Facial Hair Growth Tonic in the palm of my hand.  He tipped his hat and disappeared into the fog.

Needless to say I hurried home and vigorously applied it.  No results as of yet but I have hope.  He has at least given me that much. If it works out I’m leaning toward the Birch Box though I certainly haven’t ruled out the Galactic Spiral Arm.

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